Usako
by SylviePrincipal
Summary: Usagi is sick. And no one notices...or is it that they just don't care. WARNING Eating Disorder Self Injury
1. Worthless

**USAKO**

**Author**- SylviePrincipal

**Summary**- Usagi is sick. And no one notices...or is it that they just don't care.

_'God, Usagi! Can't you even control yourself!'_

'You're such a pig!'

There had been a time when she really wouldn't have cared when they said things like that...but now the words strike too deeply and every jab only caused her to retreat deeper into herself. Usagi rested her sweaty brow to the tile on the bathroom floor, golden hair pooling around her. Her entire body trembled from the shock of purging, a natural response she reassured herself softly.

Sitting up finally, she stumbled over to the scale, hesitating for only a second before stepping onto it. Usagi clenched her eyes shut, not wishing to show herself the extent of her gluttony. But determined, the cerulean colored eyes opened to peer at the digital numbers portrayed above her toes.

The reincarnated moon princess promptly yelped and felt the familiar burn of tears welling behind her eyes. She had hoped that Makoto's specially made snack for her hadn't been that bad...but Usagi knew that the damage was already done. She had eaten those horribly disgusting, delicious cakes and no amount of purging would ever rid her of the nutrients her stomach had selfishly absorbed.

106.9

The number blinked out of existence as she stepped off and turned to the mirror instead.

She heard the words of her friends and loved ones echo in her mind. Accusing her of the horrible crimes she had committed. It was a miracle that Mamoru even looked at her still. Usagi frowned, hands clenching as rage rushed through her frame. In that moment she hated herself more than she ever had before. The too round face staring back at her causes chills to roll down Usagi's back. Utterly worthless.

**Warning/Disclaimer**- Sailor Moon doesn't belong to me.

Het, Angst, Drama, Character Death, Eating Disorders, Depression, Self-Injury

**AN**—Again this just came to me…I wanted to express how I was feeling lately through a character of mine.

It always seemed to me that Usagi should be very susceptible to having a poor self-image. I mean nearly everyone at one point or another taunts her for being clumsy…fat, dumb. So I just felt that maybe she experienced these feelings, perhaps to a lesser extent though, at one point or another.

But then again Usagi is like a bright flower, she always seemed to bounce right back yeah?

**SYLVIE**


	2. La La Land?

**Usako**  
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**Author**- SylviePrincipal  
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**Summary**- Usagi is sick. And no one notices...or is it that they just don't care.  
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Around her, the other sailors were caught in a heated discussion about their latest enemy. Usagi was studiously ignoring them though, in favor of inspecting her socked feet.

"...really Ami! Just because..."

They were pink she noticed belatedly, but she couldn't remember ever having put them on. She snuggled further into her sweater, appreciative of the fact that she had. It seemed that Usagi was always cold now. She didn't worry though, not that much. Being cold took her mind off the pain in her stomach and the fine trembling that stole over her limbs sometimes. Plus, she smiled faintly, being cold helped burn more calories. So really she didn't mind at all when she remembered that fact.

"...but the fact remains guys. They are planning..."

Usagi wiggled her toes as she brought her knees up to her chest to preserve warmth. She focused on the distant sound of rain outside of the temple. At least it wasn't thundering. Usagi wondered if she should maybe put on a second pair of socks when she got home. But she deserved to be cold...yes; she knew that more than anyone else. So no, she couldn't.

"...we can't ignore the signs!..."

She felt the food in her stomach. She had to eat it; they would be suspicious if she didn't when they were around. But Usagi didn't deserve it. She felt guilty and very ashamed that she had though. And she felt sick. She wanted to get it out. She tried to remember when the silly meeting would be over so that she could get away and punish herself accordingly.

"...Usagi!"

"...hmmm?" She lifted her gaze from the floor to notice her friends all looking at her oddly. Rei smirked.

"Where were you? In lala land? Stupid, we were talking to you!" She laughed jokingly, but despite the affectionate smile the priestess had on her face, Usagi only heard her words.

"Sorry guys. What were you saying?" Rei was very smart, even from the very beginning when they had just become friends, the black haired girl had distanced herself. The disgust that Usagi saw in her eyes had always been there. Those eyes had always accused her far longer than anyone else's had.

"...do you think about this guy?"

Oh, they were still talking to her?

"He sounds pretty tough...Ami knows what to do best though." Whenever in a sticky situation, pass the ball over to Ami, she thought. Usagi was glad that she had ways to get out of sounding idiotic all the time. It didn't feel very good when she was stupid constantly, so she avoided hard questions like the previous one. Or at least tried to. She frowned. There was just no way to totally ignore them though.

Maybe she would just go mute? That would save everyone the pain of having to listen to her. Usagi hummed softly in thought, resting her chin on her knees. That still didn't solve the problem of having to see her though.

What to do about that...She was already trying so hard to become perfect...what more could she do?

"...it seems like no one is really taking this seriously guys. I think we should just drop it for today and go home."

Makoto. That girl was the devil reincarnate whenever she made Usagi food. The blond sighed but nodded to show she had been listening. All her attempts at starving herself went down the drain when the green eyed girl brought her something.

"Well, I'll see you all tomorrow then?"

The four girls nodded as they gathered their things. Usagi's frown went unnoticed.

"Alright. Bye."

The goodbyes followed her out of the room, but that was all. Her frown deepened. She was being selfish again. She didn't like it when they ignored her and she wanted to at least have a different farewell. But then again she really deserved to be cast aside.

Pulling on her rain slicker and then her rubber galoshes she stepped out into the rainy world, and for the time being put her pain and sadness behind her. Loosing herself in nature, if only for a little while.

After all, what did she care? If she was to be perfect for them, then she needed to understand where they were coming from. And at that moment they thought that she didn't merit anything less than a cursory glance and a one word reply.

Maybe she wasn't thin enough yet? Would they really see her if she was?

Usagi hoped so. Because she was tired of being the joke, they were supposed to be a team right? And if she was to be leader, than she needed to be perfect. For them, if not herself.

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**AN-** So what did you think? Next chapter will focus on Usagi's views on her and Mamoru.

**Warning/Disclaimer**- Sailor Moon doesn't belong to me.

Het, Angst, Drama, Character Death, Eating Disorders, Depression, Self-Injury


	3. Mamoru

**USAKO**

**Author** SylviePrincipal

**Summary** Usagi is sick. And no one notices…or is it that they just don't care.

_**I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful, the day I chose not to eat. What I do know is how I changed my life forever; I know I should know better.**_

**- Superchick**

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**Chapter 3 Mamoru**

Sitting perfectly straight, despite her aching back, Usagi painstakingly penciled in her latest entry to her diary. It was not often that the blond received such a precise state of mind. She tilted her head further to the left, concentrating on the _skritch, skritch_ of her pencil over the paper instead of the gnawing pain in her stomach.

_I did something quite stupid, as usual. Its lunchtime now and already I have had over 300 calories. It was a fast day today also. Haven't had a chance to weigh myself yet, nor purge…I had a milkshake…I'm so worthless I can't even-_

A book thumped closed in the silence and she started, dropping her pencil. From her vantage point, seated at the table, Usagi glanced warily at Mamoru's back. His dark-haired head was bowed as he scribbled notes.

Biting her lip with frustration, Usagi let her eyes drop to her hands and the small notebook before her. Dark blue nail polish glared back, a constant reminder not to sin. It also covered the blue tinge her natural nails had taken on.

She drifted in thought, absently picking up her pencil. What had started out, as an all right date had quickly become a disaster that morning. The day had begun on a good note for her, Usagi remembered. She had managed to skip breakfast all together without catching her mother's attention.

But then she had made the biggest mess of things. Unconsciously, Usagi slouched somewhat in her seat. It was a disgrace really. You would think that after months of starving, and low calorie meals, that the body would become used to the deprivation.

Usagi felt very stupid to have even thought she could skip a meal while on a date with her Mamo-chan. It was quite simple actually, her stomach had growled. And then her night in shining armor had pulled her into the nearest deli and, Usagi groaned silently in abject horror and disgust at the memories, then they had one of the biggest, most idiotic fights they had ever had.

In public.

She had cried into her milkshake, the high calorie dessert staring back at her accusingly. _Fat ass, it sang_. Mamo-chan had called her childish, saying that she needed to wake up. Or something along those lines. Usagi wondered why she had made such a big deal out of it to begin with. After all, Mamo-chan was NOT supposed to know.

With a shuddering sigh, Usagi bit the inside of her cheek. Really, he had offered to get her anything on the menu, but all that she could see were the calories scrolling through her mind. And then she had said that she wanted nothing.

God! Just how dumb could one person be? Mamo-chan had pulled her aside the minute she had said that, frowning darkly. Embarrassed at having not kept up her pretense she shied away, even as he started speaking.

'You know Usako, you really need to eat.'

She had nearly hit him when he said that, using his mocking voice to taunt her. It had quickly escalated from ugly to downright shocking.

Allowing her head to drop to the open journal before her, Usagi willed herself to disappear. They had come to his apartment, both unhappy, Usagi still in tears. And then he had promptly ignored her in favor of pulling out his exam reviews and got settled for a long bout of studying.

She wanted to scream at him, Mamo-chan could be quite infuriating at times to even her. But, she had sat silently on his couch for an hour, knowing that she deserved his silence. She was not worthy to be even looked upon by someone and perfect and handsome as her boyfriend.

When it finally became apparent to Usagi that Mamoru was stubbornly refusing to get up even for his coffee the blond had settled at the dinning room table, and pulled out her journal from within her purse, silently flipping through the pasted pictures of models and the pages upon pages of neatly, and precisely controlled hand written entries.

Not wanting to disturb her boyfriend or make him any more disgusted she had kept her silence for three hours, writing, and planning the next available week in her schedule to do her fasting.

But what of that? It was obvious to her that she was getting nothing from her peers. Mamoru still looked at her with slightly disappointed eyes, and the girls all watched her with varying degrees of annoyance and disgust. Not one of them, or even her classmates mentioned her getting thinner.

_Is that what I really want though? Do I want their approval so much? When it was, they all along who put me down, they made me this way…_

_I am this way because they want me to be…I do not deserve anything more_._ Tell me, what next shall I fix, to be your perfect princess._

Usagi watched blankly as the words formed perfectly under her hand, the blue of her nail polish a blur in her peripheral vision. Hours upon hours of self-control and discipline had shaped her once sloppy print into the handwriting fitting only that of a princess. She did not allow herself to write quickly or messily. Usagi thought out each phrase in detail before even putting pen to paper.

And, at least, she thought proudly, she had succeeded in that task. Unlike everything else in her life. Usagi distantly heard the sound of a chair being pushed away from a desk but her thoughts lay elsewhere, her blue eyed gaze on the cover of her journal on the table before her.

A hand settled on her shoulder, gently rubbing in a silent plea of forgiveness. Usagi looked hesitantly up to Mamoru's face, waiting for the moment when he would say something witty at her expense. It never came.

"What's this Usako?"

Usagi paled harshly, as her journal was snatched up for Mamoru to inspect curiously. Her heart rose to her throat, choking her with an urgency that caused the blood to pound through her veins despite the weakness of her body.

The only thought running through her head, was that Mamo-chan COULD NOT KNOW.

And that, if he found out, her chance at perfection would be gone forever. Because he did not understand, none of them did.

It was her secret. Her life…and her immanent escape until death claimed her at last.

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AN Well that was a very tough thing to write at the moment. It strikes a little too close to home to be comfortable right now. I actually had written out two vastly different versions for this Mamoru chapter, both led to very different endings so yeah, that's all im saying.

And hey! No flames about me killin' our little Usa-chan, she's not dead yet so ya don't know for sure if its actually gonna be her! wink


	4. Mamoru Knows

**USAKO**

**Author **SylviePrincipal

**Summary **Usagi is sick. And no one notices…or is it that they just don't care.

**Nothing but porcelain underneath her skin.**

**Counting Crows**

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Time seemed to slow down and her vision narrowed onto Mamoru's hands. Fear swelled up within Usagi's stomach like a sickness and she swallowed convulsively around the dryness in her throat.

"Give it back please." Mamoru narrowed his eyes at her clearly desperate expression and tone. Large blue eyes stared back into his beseechingly.

"Mamo-chan …please." Usagi felt sweat beginning to moisten her clenched palms when her boyfriend looked down at the thin red notebook within his grasp. Dark eyes looked up again into her own, and finally Mamoru handed her notebook back.

But the damage had already been done. Usagi could see it, heavy in his face, as the silence between the two stretched endlessly.

"…thank you." She offered a hesitant smile after sliding her book back into her purse. Mamoru shrugged and grinned slightly. With a half-hearted chuckle he pulled her into his arms gently.

"Usako, I'm sorry…"

She nodded, burrowing her thin face into his chest, breathing deeply as she relaxed. Still, Usagi didn't understand why he came back to her to apologize when it was obviously herself that was the cause. Weakly, she dug her blue tipped fingers into Mamoru's pale shirt, feeling another gathering of tears already on their way.

Why?

Why was she always so weak? - Usagi stiffened slightly, her eyes now open to stare past her boyfriend's warm arm. Outside the night sky was settling in, leaving the moon hanging swollen and silvery along the city's horizon. Inside her chest, Usagi could feel the dank slide of dread creeping into her heart again.

"…Usako." His voice was cold.

Mamoru's eyes were focused intently on his hands as he firmly slid them over usagi's shirt, the fabric pulling taught to expose the deep ridges of shoulder blades, the delicate line of vertebrae, and under his palm, feeling distinctly the rise and fall of each smooth rib. Dark hair shadowed his face from view, and he sighed deeply. Resting his cheek against her pale hair, Mamoru allowed his normally calm expression to crumble.

What…

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**AN**…wow it's been forever and a day. So sorry everyone, please forgive me. This is only the 2nd installment of Mamoru's chapter. There will be at least 1-2 more. Lets hope that I get it out soon eh?


	5. And realizes what this means

**USAKO**

**Author **SylviePrincipal

**Summary **Usagi is sick. And no one notices...or is it that they just don't care.

**Nothing.**

**Nothing is wrong, and asking is against the rules.**

**Crying is against the rules. **

**You're strong; don't let them break you.**

**They're trying to destroy you.**

** The Best Little Girl In The World**

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Minutes passed by so slowly that Usagi felt like they were hours instead. The lamp besides Mamoru's desk had begun making a small 'click-click-click' a while back and the noise was only increasing her anxiety.

She shifted from one leg to the other restlessly, wanting to sit down. The tiredness that she could normally stem with a drink of tea or soda was now back with a vengeance, and her lungs were aching, exhausted. But he had yet to let go.

The stillness was suffocating her.

A sigh ruffled her bangs and finally those hands lightened. Seconds went by sluggishly until she was free from mamoru's embrace.

"What…" his voice, cold and barely there, startled her. She glanced up at that beautiful face she was unworthy to look at, and then turned from his gaze sharply, all the blood draining from her face.

"What are you doing?" Mamoru sounded so unsure, as if he was unwilling to believe that his Usako could ever be this way. A monster…

Cringing away from the voice, Usagi let her hands curl into her jeans.

"I don't…I need to go home now…" She kept her eyes downcast, but could see the way Mamoru's tall body tightened at her words. Usagi understood what he was going to say…what he was going to ask. But she wasn't ready. Already fragile from their last fight earlier, she didn't have much of a defense left.

"It's just, it's getting late Mamoru." Large blue eyes looked up bravely to note the way his jaw clenched when she used his full name.

"…and you have your exams coming up and I really don't want to be a bother." Shaking his head, Mamoru took a step foreword, only to have blond hair flash in the dim light as she took two steps back.

"Usako, you're not a bother!" He didn't make a move towards her again. The hurt in his eyes was stark. "You're never a bother to me."

"Thank you for today," Usagi purposefully did not respond to his lies. In some corner of her mind she wondered why she was acting like this…perhaps things were beginning to get out of hand.

But no…

This is all for the best. That voice was whispering to her once more, and weak as she was Usagi listened, and let it guide her.

"…I'm sorry for earlier, I just haven't been feeling very well lately," His face was blank. "And the girls and I have been pretty busy, you know…so…"

"I suppose," Mamoru watched her as she gathered up her things, not sparing a glance at him. "Do you…want me to call you then?" He couldn't stand this frigidness between them, like they were oceans apart.

Usagi smiled brilliantly. Inside her heart was pounding away like a jack hammer.

"That would be good." She gave her boyfriend a small wave goodbye, then let herself out. And with trembling legs began the trek back home.

Mamoru stared blankly at where she had been standing, his mind racing. Thoughts burned his mind.

….underweight…anorexia…depression…

Quietly, he turned and paced over to his couch and collapsed onto the cushions, his exam books laying forgotten on the desk and the clicking of his dying lamp unnoticed.

Tilting his head up to stare at the ceiling, Mamoru pondered what this meant for him…for Usagi…for everyone.

…for the world.

Covering his eyes with a hand wearily, the reincarnated earth prince frowned deeply.

"…Holy Shit."

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**AN** yay another chapter in a day!!! So, this is the last part of Mamoru's little chapter. Tell me what you think ok?


	6. a pig to break you more

**Usako**

**Author- **SylviePrincipal

**Summary and Warnings- **Check previous chapters please

**Disclaimer- **I do not own Sailor Moon, or the characters, I'm not making money from this story either.

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**You've made a decision: you will NOT stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are strong, can withstand anything.**

The mirror showed too many things. Things that Usagi wished she had never become aware of in her journey.

Large eyes stared back at her, blood-shot blue, and almost sunken in with the black smudges of insomnia underneath. Littering the floor and counter-top around her in a sick parody of golden thread, lay strands of her hair that had fallen out as she had carefully unwound her customary buns.

Everything that stared back at her disgusted her even more than food. Puffy cheeks, hands that were scarred from too much purging, yellowed skin…it made her only want to try harder. How could she be perfect when she looked like this?

And the way to perfection lay with the control of her hunger. Determination lit her normally dull eyes. Mamo-chan looked at her with horror, sick at the sight of her obesity. The scouts scorned her very existence; if she could not be all the things they expected from their princess, she could not lead them.

And her family…

Usagi's scowl deepened.

She knew of the way they tip-toed around her now, as if she would break at the smallest word of concern. When she lay awake at nights, her stomach clenching in hunger pains and her brittle fingernails digging into the boney palms of her hands, she could hear her mother sobbing in the kitchen. Usagi's father could barely look her in the face, let alone in her direction. And her baby brother had ceased to exist for her.

In his face was always fear, and disgust. The girl felt tears prick at her eyes but blinked them back.

"You are a horrible person Usagi." She leaned her hands against the sink for support, peering closer at her face as the tears disappeared.

"You are not allowed the luxury of crying; because you don't deserve it…you don't deserve anything."

Screw them all, she decided angrily. They didn't understand what she was going through …no one ever would. She had gotten this far, only a little bit longer and she would be there.

Usagi knew it.

With one last glance at the hollowed reflection, the blond girl turned and paced calmly from the bathroom.

The door shut with finality behind her.

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**Why can't they realize my strength, how much it's taken to make so little of myself?**

Two mornings later Usagi woke to find that her throat felt as if she had swallowed sand paper. The night before, she had eaten everything and more that her mother had served for dinner in an attempt to hide her secret, and her mother had not cried. Usagi considered that she had even slept peacefully as her daughter purged everything that she had taken in.

The fake smile on her face had most likely given her father some comfort as well. Usagi knew that her smiles were becoming rare occurrences for everyone she knew, and had figured that pretending to smile didn't actually mean that she was finding humor, or joy, or comfort in anything. It was a sin to receive those things when Usagi was so undeserving.

Stepping onto the scale, the blond smiled despite the discomfort of her throat. And decided that today, was going to be just fine.

Her mother gave her a kiss to her cheek as Usagi left for the day, and smiled happily to herself as she noticed the slight bounce in her daughter's step and the color surfacing in her face when she smiled and waved goodbye.

She was so glad for the smiles and the affection to be resurfacing that Usagi's mother completely forgot that her daughter had not eaten breakfast, and that she had not packed a lunch for herself either.

"Everything is going to be alright" The dark haired woman murmured to the air.

Usagi chewed thoughtfully on her straw, moving the ice in her glass of water around with a little sigh. She had to find a way to distract Mamo-chan from his suspicions. How was the question that was running through her mind as one by one the other scouts joined her at the arcade booth.

Motoki came by with another glass of water for her, watching as she quickly passed him her empty cup. The blond haired girl ignored the searching look.

Minako was the last to join the large group, grinning.

"Usagi-chan! I have something for you!" She slid into the booth beside her, digging through her purse to get hold of a small tissue paper wrapped gift. With a cheery smile she handed it over, forcing herself closer to Usagi than the bun-haired girl was comfortable with.

Biting her lip, her attention now pulled away from Mamoru successfully, Usagi considered not even opening the gift. But then the blond beside her started chattering on happily to all the girls around them, and Usagi felt guilt at even considering it.

Quickly she tore through the lavender paper and ribbon, and tipped the package into her palm.

Usagi blinked.

And then stared at the small diamond earrings lying like spilled tears in her hand. Minako and the others grew silent when they realized she hadn't said anything yet, and Usagi bit her lip, hard.

Letting go of the lavender paper she brought the tips of her fingers to ghost over the shape of one baby piglet. Minako's eyebrows furrowed.

"Usagi-chan? They didn't have any rabbits, and you've never been very interested in other animals…so I thought." Usagi turned a bright smile towards her friends, hiding the way her fingers shook slightly around the small earrings.

"Thank you Minako-chan. They're very cute." Minako nodded and when back to talking with Rei.

Her stomach was clenching terribly, and Usagi thought that this time it wasn't just with hunger. Sliding one of the earrings through her earlobe, there was a feeling of coldness that settled over her.

It was the ultimate betrayal to her. Her friend couldn't even say that she thought she was fat to her face. Porker earrings. And the fact that Minako had spent money on them…it was hard to stifle the tears this time.

Usagi finished securing both pieces of jewelry, the diamonds winking like white ice against her jaw. And she could feel them sliding over her with every breath she took.

And the pain of her heart breaking even more was so sharp she thought the others would see it. But the world continued on around her, as always. Oblivious.

Usagi only wanted to go to sleep. To burry herself in her blankets at home and forget everything.

Forget the pain, and the loneliness, and the hunger.

Today, Usagi decided, is not a good day.

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AN….so it's been so long…um I had writers block something awful, but that doesn't excuse it. And you can tell that I still have it. I just thought, I need to write and get moving otherwise I'll never do it.

Just an explanation, I know it may seem as if Usagi is overreacting about the earrings, but speaking from experience, sometimes it's the little things that hurt us the most. I remember having days where it was just a sentence or image that made me so unhappy with myself and my own ED.

So please review and give me your thoughts! I was thinking that maybe some art might inspire me to be more productive… Anyways, try to be gentle please, I didn't know what to write…--;;;


	7. Shameful

**Usako**

**Chapter 7**

**Skinny and it will make you cry. Skinny and it will make you lie. Skinny and if it makes you soft inside, Skinny At least you will not die.**

Sometimes, Usagi didn't feel hungry. Those moments were usually far and in between, and when they occurred she sometimes felt this great debilitating fear that she had actually eaten.

It was similar to how she would have dreams, some nights, of stuffing her face. No... Not dreams, Nightmares. Of eating plate after plate of food, and while she knew that it was a sin, she could not stop herself. So she would wake with a scream logged in her throat, sweating profusely and terrified, it had been so real...

Seemed so real that the blond would spend the rest of the night crying and gasping and purging until only blood and stomach acid came up.

And so, on those rare days when there was no churning, gnawing hunger as her constant companion, Usagi usually spent those days hidden away in some bathroom trying to undo the 'imagined' damage.

The blue eyed girl hmm'd in slight frustration where she sat on her and Mamoru's bench at the park, watching blankly as the day moved along without her. As a rule Usagi didn't like to think about scary things, and yet here she was. Unable to get the remembered fear from her thoughts.

Those moments where some of the most petrifying that Usagi could remember experiencing. Even more so than the majority of her experiences as a Sailor. The fact that inside of her was a monster so merciless that she was powerless to stop it.

Usagi brushed her pale fingers across the soft fabric of her plaid skirt, contemplative as her vision swam slightly in front of her. Even in this moment of clarity, it still spread its ice like fingers over her mind.

At some point, she recalled, this used to be fun...But...

This was still the path she had to take, Usagi nodded unconsciously. There was no stopping, if her mind said that she had eaten then she had and so the punishment was deserved...

But why did everything feel so out of control now?

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When Usagi got home that night, it was to a difficult meal and a message from Mamoru.

He hadn't been in contact with her for several weeks...not since she had nearly been discovered. Usagi felt empty at that thought. He really was disgusted, she remembered the horrified look on his face as she had left that day.

Such a fleshy, overblown clown she was...Usagi knew it was true. She inspected herself in the mirror and thought critically about what she would do...

Because even though she was so large, the blond knew that he would try to stop her from gaining perfection. They all would...

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**Gleaming in the dark sea, I'm as light as air. Floating there breathlessly.**

Mamoru watched his Usako discretely as they sat together in the restaurant. She looked pale but whole as she delicately ate her meal. Her blond hair shone brightly as it fluttered around her and Mamoru gave a smile at her sounds of enjoyment.

Smacking her lips together for show, Usagi looked up with her old smile ready while carefully hiding the gleam of observation from her eyes. Their meeting was turning out to be one of her most challenging yet because she knew that he was watching. Every little thing she did...Usagi supposed it was a good test of her skills.

"Its yummy! I'm glad that we came here Mamo-chan!" Her swallowed bite of chicken sat like a cold lump in her stomach...dead animal flesh...so yummy indeed! Usagi knocked her cheerful attitude up another notch as she tried to quell the rebellious rejecting her body was attempting. She had trained it so well...

"I am too." Mamoru nodded in agreement, grinning pleasantly at the lightened mood their date had taken. He didn't honestly want to believe his suspicions and his Usako seemed well. Dark blue eyes slid over the girls face, making another inspection.

" And its good that you finally got over that flu..."

"Yeah. It was really rough, the girls had to pick up most of the work for me. But I'm better now, so that means we can always be together again!" Usagi agreed cheerfully as the lies grated in her ears. She was such a fake.

"That is true." Mamoru chuckled, and let out a relieved sigh. So that really was why. He had overreacted. Sometimes people experienced seasonal bugs to a much stronger degree than others, and poor Usagi honestly did catch even the slightest cold easily.

"So how about desert then? What are you in the mood for?"

Usagi's hand fisted painfully around the napkin in her lap. Was everyone really so lost in their own world that they couldn't see what was happening to her? Didn't they care?

With another megawatt smile, Usagi ordered her dessert with dread racing along her spine.

_all those calories...all my hard work_

_We didn't talk for three weeks because he assumed...and as soon as there was an excuse..._

Resentment festering in her mind as she at her cake, she tried to understand. Why? Shouldn't she be happy that her desires where once again safe? Mamoru clearly had taken the offered alibi and yet she felt so angry. Both with herself for being in the position to begin with, and then with Mamoru and her close ones for being so blind to her troubles.

Usagi was _always_ too much trouble. Always the dunce getting herself caught, or hurt, or poor grades, and then when she started to feel as if she was nothing more than dirt under their shoes, they turned their back on her.

She understood why though, really, she did.

Just...why was it that those that said they would be there for her no matter what? Her friends that said they knew Usagi better than anyone else...why couldn't they see what was clearly in front of them yet?

She had tried. Demonstrated time and again that she was worthy of their notice, that she truly was the princess that they all protected. She always sat straight now, never spoke louder than one of royalty should.

She dressed the right way, smiled the right way. Faithfully, she molded herself into those ideals that had always been unattainable. Usagi ate like a bird, because really what moon princess had flab, and everyone had always told her that she was such a pig. Slovenly, ungrateful, with straw hair that looked like meatballs and an elephantine physique that made her wonder why she hadn't been killed at birth sometimes.

Usagi stared at her now empty plate and could sense the cellulite spreading from her gut like oil.

Yes, Usagi really did understand why.

Because, she was _shameful_.

And who could ever love that?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N...Well I am sorry to say that it took me so long this time around! No, Im not dead, and neither is this story. So please tell me how its going?

I kind of feel like Usagi is getting to that point where your so consumed by your ED that you cant even keep your thoughts and emotions straight anymore.

Thanks for reading!! Luv yas!

Sylvie


	8. Mysterious

Disclaimer/Warning- Check Chapter 1

**Give up my way**

**and lose myself **

**not today**

**thats too much guilt to pay**

_The Last Song Im Waisting on You ~ Evanescence_

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

_...run_

Breath panting from between blue lips in wet clouds, Usagi swerved around a bare aspen, her red boots spitting up clumps of snow as she made her way into the densely wooded forest. Her lungs fluttered like the wings of a humming bird within her chest, and the blood rushing through her veins was the only thing she could hear, roaring loudly.

_...faster_

Snow and branches blurred past her as she pushed herself. Stalking her, though she couldn't hear it's movements, was the youma that Usagi had managed to lure away from the main sailor could feel her bare knees shaking from the punishing pace she had set, but she knew that she needed to find a hiding place, or at least draw the beast further away to deal with it on her own.

A shiver tore through her thin frame, causing her to stumble in her shaky gait. The sun was dropping in the distance along with the temperature and she could feel the hair on her arms and legs literally stand on end to try to increase her body heat. There was only so much her transformation could do to keep her warm in normal circumstances, and the blond knew that even before she had stepped out of the resort with the other girls she had been covered in goosebumps.

"...just keep moving! Come on!" Usagi panted to herself harshly, positive that her entire body was blue with the cold. She knew logically, that her body just honestly couldn't handle the strain of battle much anymore, but she couldn't let the others see her weakness. Her failure.

Suddenly, the ground was rushing up to meet her, powdery snow flying this way and that as she rolled to a stop some feet away, the wind knocked quite forcefully out of her. Usagi blinked stupidly, her ankle throbbing ferociously. She could barely move, or even pull in air, her body was so shocked from the impact. Shivering again, she tried to get her bearings.

"...idiot." Usagi scowled from her prone form. The blond grit her teeth as she pushed up onto her hands and knees with quite some protesting from her aching body, but stilled as a shadow moved above her. A cold chill running down her spine, she looked up into a horrid grinning face.

Her scream of terror caught in her throat as she struggled to right herself, only to see white as her stomach made contact with the hard trunk of a tree some feet away, her body wrapping itself as far as it could reach around the trunks surface. Not even a second later Usagi was thrown onto her back, piercing pain in her abdomen and ribs making itself known immediately.

Dry heaving and coughing, she turned onto her side weakly, her body still twitching in the aftermath of the collisions, as her vision faded in and out. In front of her, through the curtain of golden hair, Usagi could see the blurred form of the hulking monster approaching her, its taloned feet crushing snow beneath them. She lethargically noticed loosing feeling in her arm and legs, her chest was burning with the exertion, while her stomach felt as if someone had thrust a branding iron through it.

Belatedly, Usagi noticed that the snow around her was starting to turn to red slush as her eyelids slid shut. Her last conscious moment was hearing the beast give an enraged shriek, and then, nothing.

Unwitnessed by anyone besides her attacker, was the brilliant light that burst around her body, only to weakly die down seconds later.

xxxx

When Usagi regained consciousness, it was well into the night, the sliver of the moon peeking through bare branches above her prone form. She blinked groggily, attempting to focus as red-hot pain lanced from her tail bone up into her skull, her entire body feeling as if it was on fire with it.

Calls in the distance finally reaching her ears, the blond realized that she was in more danger at this moment than she had been since the youma had begun its chase earlier. Unable to tell what the time was, or even how long she had been unconscious Usagi knew that she only had minutes to make herself presentable and escape the area, lest her sailors discover what had really taken place. She knew, deep in her gut, that they would forbid her from even attempting to fight again in the foreseeable future. That they would label her a liability, and with reason this time. If she couldn't hold her own in battle, she was a danger to not only herself and her friends, but to the future of the their world as well. It was not something they could afford, especially this late in the game.

With renewed determination, Usagi braced herself and managed to sit up, gasping for air as she blinked in surprised pain. It seemed her entire body was coated in a fine dusting of silver glitter, some falling in sparkling trails into the snow beneath her.

_What is this?_

Hearing her name being called again, Usagi put the mysterious substance further from her mind as she hastily fought to regain her feet. Blue eyes inspected her surroundings, the charred remains of the beast a few feet to her right, several feet beyond it, the tree she had made a violent meeting with. A trail of blood and churned snow leading to where she stood now, glittering red covering a great deal of the once pristine forest floor.

It looked as if she had actually bled out, Usagi realized with mounting horror, which brought the throbbing pain in her body back to focus, the deep laceration along her abdomen, the swollen ankle, as well as the bitter cold.

Shuddering at the near death, Usagi stumbled her way from the scene and pulled out her disguise pen, because she just knew without a doubt, that her being transformed was the only thing keeping her standing at the moment. And with the physical signs of her wounds and exhaustion hidden beneath the magic, she met up with the others minutes later, a bewildered, if not strained smile on her face and a noticeable favoring of her right ankle. It would be her only claimed injury of the night.

Hours later, Usagi settled herself into her bed, brushing Luna's concerned face away with an exhausted grunt just as the sun began to rise.

xxxx

There was blood on the sink.

Shingo had to do a double take as he passed by the open bathroom, when he noticed the splash of red. Heart thudding away, the blond boy moved closer, now able to see his sister moving about in her room in the bathroom mirror's reflexion.

"Hey Usagi?"

The reflection in the mirror paused, then straightened, turning into the direction of his voice.

"Yes?"

Eyes wide, the blond boy gulped down his apprehension. Trying to ignore the fact that his big sister had stopped actively trying to start any conversation between the two of them for weeks now, and looked more like one of the ghosts in his video games then Shingo's sibling. He tried to remind himself that it was still her, she just had been so tired and sick recently, at least, thats what their mom had told him last time he asked. It was still Usagi.

"Do you know why there's blood here? Your not hurt are you?"

His voice broke near the end, as the reflexion tensed then silently made its way into the bathroom. Shingo shifted back nervously, the quiet heavy, and filled with something his young mind couldn't place, other then _terrible_.

Usagi was just standing there, her gaze distant, not actually on the spots of blood that she was looking at. Her hair was down, covering most of her face and back, and her clothing was layered on as if she was freezing, despite the heat being on. Shingo could see her bare hands flex, pale as milk, and he got the strangest image of her picking something up and then crumbling away without even a word.

"_Usagi?_"

She slid a blank glance at him through her hair, then remembered herself.

"Oh!" She giggled mechanically. "Sorry, I had just forgotten to clean it up, I had a bad paper cut earlier. No need to worry." With practiced movements she had it cleaned and then gave her little brother a small pat.

"OK?"

"Yeah"

He walked away from the scene disturbed, but unable to say exactly why, except that _that_ was not his sister.

xxxx

A/N- Hope You liked it. next chapter will be out next Friday. I apologize for the long gap in between posts, recently I've finished settling into my new 'home'. Halfway across country that is!

Hope you all are doing ok!

Let me know what you think ^_~

~Sylvie


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